Clear guide outlines the simple psychology of why habitual lying occurs, how to stop lying, and what to do when children lie.
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Lying is in itself something everyday… everyone does it here and there, but it can also take on a life of its own and become a kind of compulsion. Usually, this is a creeping process and the transition from normal to pathological is fluid. However, when you recognize this, you need to address how to stop lying — before it destroys your relationships and yourself as well. Or your nose ends up growing like Pinocchio!
How to stop lying: the causes
But what does it mean once lying becomes a habit? On the one hand, lying can occur as compensation for a lack of self-esteem. By telling “great stories”, the person concerned gets attention, recognition and applause in order to strengthen his or her fragile self-worth.
On the other hand, it can occur in the context of an anti-social personality disorder, in which those affected gain advantages by lying, usually at the expense of others.
Perhaps you are dealing with a self-worth issue. You want others to think of you as a great person and maybe even envy you.
Recognition and appreciation are important basic needs, you may have missed them early on. Out of this deficit you have found a seemingly simple solution to this problem – a pseudo-self for which all you have to do is invent a story over and over again. Recognition and appreciation are basic needs, you may have lacked them early on
Through the experience that you get direct positive feedback for this, you will always be encouraged in your behavior. Once started, there is no easy going back.
The costs you bear for this are constant tension, getting caught, ever greater loneliness, and ever greater alienation from yourself.There is no easy going back
How to stop lying: strategies to stop
- First you need you to admit that something is wrong and that lying can not be a permanent solution.
- To make lying a thing of the past, you’d need to develop a belief that you are okay and build trust that others will think you’re okay too.
- On the one hand, this requires the acceptance that you are a completely normal guy with individual strengths and weaknesses.
- But also personal development – that is, out of your comfort zone, towards things that interest you, that you enjoy and that identify you as a person.
- These can also be things that you think others find uncool.
- You can try to practice telling the truth in small steps. For example, at your next lunch, honestly say what you did over the weekend (“I was at home and just didn’t do anything”).
- Once you experience the feeling of “I like myself for who I am”, you will never want to trade it for superficial admiration for your pseudo-self again!
How to stop children lying
The doll cut its own hair, the cocoa mug was blown by the wind, and the chocolate was secretly nibbled by the teddy bear: all parents get these or similar swindles at some point. At first, children tell us every truth without make-up. But at some point they also start telling things that can’t be true.
Fantasy and reality
We parents then often react insecure and angry, sometimes even hurt and brood: What did I do wrong? Does my child no longer trust me? Bernard Reuser, graduate psychologist, child and adolescent psychotherapist and deputy chairman of the Federal Conference for Educational Advice , reassures: “If a child is lying, parents don’t have to worry right away. Playing with the truth is part of child development.”
Monkeys that spontaneously jump out of the picture book, soft toys that secretly whisper something to the child – even the very little ones tell such strange stories. At two or three years of age, fantasy and reality mix. At this age, children are not yet consciously fooling around. Only when they are around four or five years old can children distinguish between true and untrue, between reality and fantasy. At this age, the little ones notice that someone else doesn’t automatically know what they know. If the other was not there, I can tell him what I want.
“Lying requires a certain amount of strategic thinking, which only begins to develop at this age,” explains Reuser. “In addition, the conscience must be developed to such an extent that children can distinguish between what is right and wrong in a particular situation.”
Why children lie
Of course, it’s fun to find out whether you can fool mom or dad and sell a fictitious story of a crocodile visit to the playground as true. “Such falsehoods are harmless,” says Reuser. However, lying is far more complex. Mostly behind this is the child’s fear of being scolded or punished. If your new pants accidentally break while playing, your brother is to blame for pushing you – even though you were actually illegally climbing a tree. Even if a child feels overwhelmed, that can be a reason to lie: If the child feels that his performance does not meet the expectations of the parents, he may start to invent successes.
One of the most common reasons to lie is loyalty: Jonas would never reveal that his best buddy Tom broke the new toy helicopter. And of course, after his beloved mom’s parents split up, he would never tell his mon that he thinks daddy’s new girlfriend is really nice – even if the mother asks him for his honest opinion. “Sometimes the truth is bent out of shame and a fantasy story is told,” says Reuser. If the child is ashamed of the poverty of their parents, they may instead brag about the ultra-cool train they supposedly got for their birthday.
On the trail of lies
Regardless of the reason the child is lying: “Parents shouldn’t blame them, scold them or punish them, ” advises Reuser. “That doesn’t mean that the child will tell the truth the next time. On the contrary: it’ll just keep silent.” Better to be sensitive to the child and look for the cause by simply asking: “Why didn’t you tell the truth right away?” If the child replies that it did not dare to do it, parents need to be encouraged and say that they can always tell everything.
This question also makes sense: “What did you get out of telling this story?” This is how parents get to the heart of the problem and the child develops an understanding of reality and fantasy. However, if the child constantly tells hair-raising stories, twists everything and lives in a pseudo-reality, that is questionable. An educational counseling center can help here.
Be a good role model
Of course, parents want their child to always tell the truth. “That only works if parents are authentic and sincere,” says Reuser. If we ourselves tend to exaggerate or slightly distort the truth without being aware of it, the child will imitate it. The psychologist advises you to question yourself and your own behavior more often. To be authentic and honest and to deal with your child in the same way: that is the best way for the little ones to learn to stick to the truth.
