Outlines strategies for how to handle a narcissist, explains what is the basis of narcissism, the warning signs to watch out for and how to deal with narcissism in people you have work or life relationships with.
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How to handle a narcissist: overview
Narcissus was a youth who scorned the love of a woman and was then punished with insatiable self-love, according to the ancient Greek legend.
The term narcissism spread among other things in psychology, psychiatry, social psychology, cultural studies and in the philosophical field. But the expression “narcissist” is also used in everyday life. Popular parlance still calls people who are overly vain and in love with themselves narcissists. This means excessive self-centeredness, self-admiration and egoism, which is certainly not what you want in a life or work relationship, so you need to know how to deal with a narcissist when you come into contact with one — and you are guaranteed that it will happen sometime.
Me, myself and I – Dysfunctional behavior like narcissism has spread like an epidemic in the boardrooms of many companies. Such psychological wrong-way drivers can harm colleagues, employees or the entire development of the company. We explain what makes narcissists tick and how to deal with narcissists.
How to handle a narcissist: Companies as a breeding ground for narcissists
Everyone is a narcissist in some way. But a pathological narcissism is rampant, especially in the boardrooms of many companies. But what’s the difference? Narcissism is essential for stable self-esteem. A pinch of it arms us against the vicissitudes of life. It helps us to have a good opinion of ourselves and to assert ourselves to a certain extent against our fellow human beings.
But if narcissism takes on pathological traits, it can destroy companies from within. Because morbid narcissists have grandiose fantasies about themselves that drive them to selfish and reckless behavior. In leadership positions in particular, they can best meet their need for power and control.
Many companies seem to be a good breeding ground for the development of pathological narcissism. According to recent studies, people with a narcissistic personality are comparatively more common in companies than in the general population. It is believed that around four percent of the population are narcissists. In contrast, around six percent of all leaders are narcissists.
Those affected have an exaggerated sense of their own importance. They demand excessive admiration. You idealize yourself and are strongly taken with omnipotence fantasies, limitless success, power, glamor or beauty. They believe they are special and unique and expect preferential treatment. You only feel extraordinary from others,
How to handle a narcissist: Remember that everyone else is just their corporate roadkill
Always mindful of his own benefit, the narcissist displays ambivalent behavior in his social relationships. The narcissist is constantly changing positions. His attitude depends on where the wind is blowing from. This is also done while at the same time working on the boss for the next step in his career.
Colleagues and employees are at best a useful instrument that is used for one’s own purposes. Instead of getting recognition for their help, they must expect to be disgraced or reprimanded in public. Regular transgressions of competencies are a consequence of their excessive urge to raise their profile. Whoever is not for them is against them.
How to handle a narcissist: Beware of their ‘first person perspective’
The narcissistic disorder can best be described with the five traits: egocentrism, selfishness, sensitivity, lack of empathy and devaluation of others: the narcissist perceives everything from the first-person perspective. His whole feeling and thinking is directed exclusively towards himself. Only his thoughts are original, his views alone are of interest, his actions incomparable.
Narcissists are not always instantly recognizable. They are often friendly, well-dressed, well-mannered, and have a winning disposition. You are charming and can sweep others away. But at the latest when they talk about themselves, and of course only in the highest tones, their dysfunctional behavior is revealed.
They are very careful about their external perception. They always want to be the center of attention and be admired. That is why they are very performance-oriented.
Inferiority complex: campaigns of revenge against critics
But there is also a dark side. So narcissists are easy to offend. Even factual criticism hurts them deeply and usually makes them extremely aggressive. The result is often revenge campaigns aimed at total annihilation against critics or colleagues who want to assert inadequacies or misconduct. Anyone who messes with a narcissist must be careful not to disappear from the scene faster than they’d like. The lack of empathy and arrogant behavior are also among the main characteristics of narcissistic personality disorders.
Deep-seated feelings of inferiority are hidden behind the attached facade of the absolute winner. With their wet research, they compensate for a feeling of inadequacy from their childhood because they never succeeded. B. to please a parent. Maybe they even experienced rejection and devaluation from their parents in their childhood.
We know from Abraham Maslow that attention, recognition and belonging belong to our basic needs, especially in childhood: “… the most neglected need is the consideration of others.” According to A. Maslow, self-realization differs from egoism in that we do ours in self-realization pursue deepest needs. Basic needs can be recognized by the fact that we become ill or die if they are not met.
The number one rule when dealing with narcissists is: don’t do anything that could shake their self-esteem. Rather, you have to make them feel that they deserve respect. You have to meet their need for attention and recognition. It is important to gain their trust with great empathy by feeding them praise and positive feedback. The rule here is: the more, the better. A confrontation with their wrongdoing should only take place in tiny homeopathic doses.
It is advisable to use specific examples to point out conflict-laden behavior that is detrimental to your own image in the company in a concise, objective and unbiased manner. Exaggerated optimism about really bringing about a serious change in behavior in this way, however, is not realistic.
Warning: Do not share feelings or emotions with narcissists
Anyone who still attracts the displeasure of a narcissist should try to keep calm and calm. He should remember that it is the narcissist’s feelings of inferiority that make him scream and rave. It is very important that you do not give the narcissist any insight into private life, or share feelings or emotions with him. You should always remain professional and not maintain any non-professional contacts.
You can only protect yourself if you offer the narcissist as little attack surface as possible. Because the day will come when he ruthlessly exploits this knowledge.
Narcissists are only really treatable in the rarest of cases. Because a narcissist would never get the idea that he might be in need of therapy. Trying to be a narcissist’s savior can quickly lead to you needing therapy yourself.
Ultimately, you have to sit out narcissists. At some point they too make a crucial mistake. Because in all seven versions of the story about the selfish youth it always comes down to the same thing: “Narcissus always crashes”. Which solves the problem by itself.
11 tips on how to handle a narcissist
1. Don’t be dazzled
Anyone who gets into a relationship with a narcissist usually believes at the beginning that they have found the dream prince or woman: he carries you on his hands, lets red roses rain down and constantly emphasizes how happy he is to have found you. This is the “Love Bombing” strategy and you should beware of it in how to handle a narcissist.
Usually a bad gut feeling tells you that you are wriggling on the hook of an egomaniac: Because it feels strange how he lifts you up on the pedestal (“You are the most beautiful woman in the world), unbelievable that he shares all of our hobbies , excessive when he also orders for you in the restaurant.
2. Take warning signs seriously
It’s easy to ignore the chaos below on cloud nine. For example, that Mr. Right has left a damned lot of scorched earth elsewhere: went bankrupt with his company, divorced many times, fell out with his ex, no more contact with the child … But of course that’s not his fault: Typical for narcissists is to always blame others for their problems.
One should also pay attention if one scores too well in comparison with previous partners: “They only took advantage of me – but everything is different with you.” Another common pattern: relationship hopping: The glow of the last partnership is probably still warm when he kindles a new love fire.
3. Expect them to always want to be the center of attention
The reason why narcissists often get involved in a new relationship so quickly or lead several at the same time: Narcissists are like junkies, they cannot be without narcissistic input. They are not looking for a partner, but a mirror that shows them their own greatness.
4. Don’t put up with bad behavior
The honeymoon phaseonce past, narcissists put their claws out: They upgrade themselves by manipulating, emotionally exploiting and devaluing their counterparts.
For the smallest “misconduct” there are violent scenes, in company he criticizes appearance, outfit or general education. It is important to put a stop to this as quickly as possible.
5. Boost your self-esteem
The attacks with which the narcissist bombards his or her partner because they often hit the Achilles heel are particularly perfidious: “You are so fat” when you are wrestling with a few pounds too much, “You are so incredibly stupid”, if you suffered in school as a child. Narcissists specifically look for weak points in their counterparts.
You can only counter this if you are at peace with yourself and psychologicallyis stable. Those who have a strong self-confidence are not immediately blown away by the pejorative remarks of the other, but can judge them for what they are: a desperate effort to get attention.
6. Don’t let yourself be unsettled
While one can overlook small taunts and survive power struggles, there are even more perfidious methods with which people with extremely narcissistic structures torture their victims in relationships.
Through lies and manipulation, the victim can become so insecure that they no longer trust their own perception. Punctured tires, untraceable sums of money, strange nausea after meals together – the arsenal is diverse.
7. Keep in touch with friends and family
Extreme narcissists not only play with the self-perception of their partner – in addition, the ego bloodsuckers often try to portray the partner as untrustworthy, silly or even malicious in front of others or to seal off the relationship from the outside by portraying friends, acquaintances or the family as bad company.
Maintain contact with friends and family – it’s very important in order not to perceive the relationship as the only elixir of life and to have allies in the event of a separation (see point 10).
8. You are not to blame
Each of us can fall for a narcissist, even mentally stable people. In no case should one feel blame. To blame yourself for a messed up partnership with a narcissist would be completely wrong. That doesn’t work. Narcissists are often unable to relate. But there are support groups that can help. Some people, for example, found help with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) from Australian Melanie Tonia Evans.
9. Don’t believe in promises that everything will change
One of the most famous narcissism researchers, psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, once said that the often-voiced assumption that narcissists are resistant to therapy is not entirely true: “With increasing age, therapies work better. Before the midlife crisis, however, it is unlikely that they will change”.
10. Prepare well for the breakup
Has the Sun King or the Sun Queen gone too far? If you turn off the ego oxygen, he becomes uncomfortable. You have to expect aggression, stalking and smear campaigns. A narcissist must always be right, a separation that does not come from him will therefore hurt him insane. Allegations against him, for example in a divorce process or custody dispute, must be well proven, as with narcissists it is often possible for them to win over mediators or judges, so that the victim is then the culprit.
11. Narcissist in sight?
If you meet a narcissist intending to mate, run as fast as you can! Ultimately, in your personal life, the best advice for how to handle a narcissist is to not get involved with one.
