Children need boundaries to orient themselves in the world. Setting this sensibly and stress-free is not always easy and quickly causes tantrums. Our guide outlines how children learn rules and the best strategies to do this.
Find more parenting guides in our Parents/Children section.
How children learn rules
Limits are generally taught to children by certain rules, which they learn first in the home, later in kindergarten, at the babysitter, the day mother and in school from their teachers and later pass into long-term memory.
How children learn rules is therefore first and foremost down to education and childcare. It is also part of the normal development of a childnot to always follow the rules in games or to exceed specifically set limits. Already in the first years of life, usually at the age of about two to three years up to preschool, young children begin to resist the instructions of their parents or their babysitter. This phase is also called the defiance phase. The word “no” is part of the standard repertoire at this time.
In this way, the children explore their world and its reaction mechanisms and begin to understand their own behavior in relation to others. Now it is particularly important for parents to provide tutoring and homework care in terms of rules and to show consistency so that children learn from the outset that certain things happen in the event of a refusal on their part.
The sooner parents give in and neglect boundaries, the harder it is for the children to learn rules and comply with them later. At the beginning of school at the latest, your child should be able to accept rules and understand their meaning. This is particularly difficult for single parents after separation, as they do not want to run the risk of losing the child to the other part.
2. Permanent bans generate defiant reactions
However, rules learning should not mean that you strictly ban your child from everything from the outset, as in a children’s home. After all, prohibitions and tutoring in behaviour in most cases only cause additional defiance. In general, it is very important for children to understand and understandthe majority of the rules laid down, but in many cases this only works through self-experience.
If this is the case in a particular situation, let your child have the negative experience for themselves, so that they understand the rule that is related to it afterwards. A bit of anti-authoritarian education does not harm educational methods, which are about dealing with rules.
Of course, you should only allow negative experiences for things that do not put your child in unnecessary danger.
3. Working out rules together
Do not work against your child, but with your child.
Like many others, children must also learn to learn. Older children are often more willing to accept rules if they feel they are involved in setting them up. This is especially the case with things that affect the personal areas of the children as well as fun and games. This can be your own room, video games, the circle of friends or currently the question of your own smartphone for children.
Good child-rearing is characterized by the fact that parents try to agree with their children on certain rules,for example regarding the cleaning up, use times of video games or even meeting with friends. In this way, the children feel taken seriously by their parents and at the same time learn to act independently and responsibly and to ensure that they too are entitled to children. In addition, this can even be fun and promote your child’s ability to talk.
4. Social competence through early contact with other children
Early contact with other children is particularly important for individual children, as the mutual learning effect in this area is not negligible. Kindergarten and school are also places of educational counselling where children have to learn and follow rules diligently.
If they are accustomed to certain rules and limits from home, they usually do not find it too difficult to fit into a rules-based community of a private school or boarding school, even outside their parents’ home. Contact with other children is also a very important factor. After all, certain things are also regulated by themselves in the social interaction with others. In this way, the children also unconsciously learn to observe certain rules and limits in terms of social interaction.
Single children as well as children of single parents after separation usually have a bit more difficult in this area, as they do not have to deal with siblings or both parents at home and the educational measures of the parents apply only to them alone.
5. Constant rule overruns
Children who deliberately cross rules over and over again, potentially putting themselves and others at risk, usually do so not for no reason. Often the cause sits a little deeper here. Therefore, it is especially important that you follow this up – especially if the rule-infringing behavior goes beyond the normal framework of the respective development phase and children’s rights.
Talk to your child, as well as their teachers and educators, and create distraction. If this is not enough, you may also need to think about certain advisory and therapeutic measures, such as an educational counsellor or parental counselling, which show how children learn rules and, in the worst case, detect and treat behavioural disorders.
In the case of less serious problems, a parent forum can also be consulted as an educational aid. There you will receive a lot of parenting tips from like-minded people and tried-and-tested help for raising your child.
