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How to stop hating Melania: the 3-step program

Hating Melania

Hating Melania has been a national sport since her husband landed in the White House in 2016. But the origins of the sport date back earlier than that, with quite a few early adopters limbering up with a practice sessions during the election campaign. With their hate muscles getting startup training ahead of the rest of the pack, they’re now fully-fledged afficionados ready to compete at state or even national level.

In fact, they could set their sights even higher, with Hating Melania having moved into the international sport arena pretty solidly — we hear the International Olympic Committee is already considering adding it in time for the 2022 Games in Tokyo — and you’d hope an American is going to take gold. After all, here in (M) America (GA) — formerly known as the United States — we invented Hating Melania, we turned it into a recognised sport, and you’d have to think we do it better.

But we know there are those of you who are getting pretty damned fed up with playing. It’s not the expense of the sport; after all, you really only need a mobile and access to social media to play in even the big leagues. Of course, those with a keyboard at the New York Times, Washington Post, Guardian and Politico are clearly in the Hating Melania pro league, but this is a sport you can play with far less outlay than for, say, your average kids’ baseball uniform.

You’re getting tired of playing because you’re starting to suspect that there might — just might — be more to life (and news) than Hating Melania. And perhaps its time to move onto other sports that offer more of a cardiovascular workout. Admit it: raising your outrage in even high-repetition sets isn’t going to do you as much good as a decent barbell session.

But it’s hard to give something up when all your friends are doing it. Just ask Lyndsey Lohan. Or Robert Downey Jnr. Or Amy Winehouse… no, wait.

So in the interest of helping you out, here’s our 3-step program to stop Hating Melania.

Ask yourself if she secretly wants you to keep playing

After all, she’s been modelling since she was five — although admittedly the string bikini shot for Sports Illustrated, the sexually explicit feature for France’s Max magazine, and the GQ cover showing her naked (except for a sprinkle of diamonds) on Trump’s Boeing, all came a couple of years later.

So here is a woman accustomed — and clearly pretty comfortable — with being looked at. So the attention garnered by a poor fashion choice of a cheap coat with a fatuous phrase emblazoned on the back is hardly going to faze her.

Recognise when she’s beating you at the game

The ‘I Don’t Care’ coat probably gave her exactly what she wanted: headlines around the world worth millions if some PR company had been invoicing you for the result. At $39, and having a flunky spend a few minutes in Zara’s closest store, that’s a damned good investment. You have to wonder if, when you play Hating Melania, she’s actually playing you. In which case, she’s far smarter and you may as well give up now.

Remind yourself of her situation

The last thing she sees each night — and even more scarily, the sight she wakes up to every morning — is The Donald. Probably in his favourite Presidential Seal y-fronts. Seriously … the girl has suffered enough.

Author: Genevieve Dumas is a food, fashion and beauty stylist from New York, who has worked for a range of major magazines.

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